


spot the difference

by glowingscribbles



Category: The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Minor Nico di Angelo/Will Solace, Trans Will Solace, but it’s not very obvious, everybody has their own issues, otherwise known as me projecting on fictional characters, these boys are going through a lot honestly, this is really depressing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-03
Updated: 2017-08-22
Packaged: 2018-12-10 17:00:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11695998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glowingscribbles/pseuds/glowingscribbles
Summary: Nico di Angelo feels worthless. He wishes he was like the blue eyed boy that is so happy all the goddamn time.Will Solace has anxiety. He wishes he didn't have to pretend to be okay for everyone else all the goddamn time.





	1. the Before and the After

**Author's Note:**

> So this is kind of a short drabble from Nico's perspective! I was just trying some things out because I have a idea for a multi chapter fic and was experimenting with his character in that. If you like it I'll try and post Will's chapter soon? Again constructive criticism is welcome. Hope you enjoy!

 

> He is so tired. A tired that has nothing to do with how late he went to sleep the previous night or the fact he doesn't sleep at all.

His brain is too full and somedays his head feels like a beehive just because his thoughts won't stop buzzing and god they _sting._ He doesn't know what he's done to make them sting so much. His exhaustion is bone deep and constant, it makes him ache all over. And it _hurts_.

It hurts so bad that he can't get out of the bed in the morning. His heart breaks when his little sister look at him with those wide desperate eyes that frantically plead with him, it makes him feels like a failure. But in some sick, small part of his mind he's grateful because that's only way he's sure he still has a heart. The only time he's sure still breathing.

It's the only time when he's still sure he's still _alive_.

He hates that he doesn't know the difference. That he has to question everything he feels because he sees their faces mixed with the living. Round every corner, every turn and it makes him wonder if this is heaven (or hell, because it feels like hell).

Makes him wonder if everyone around him is dead, if _he's_ dead.

He's not sure what's worse. The times when he feels numb or the times when he's struck by such a overwhelming sadness. That sadness consists of mourning (he couldn't save them) and self loathing (why does nobody care). He's not going to lie sometimes it consists of jealousy, jealously aimed towards blue eyes because blue eyes are always _happy_.

He wished he could have those blue eyes that dance and smile all the time. Instead he had dark eyes that are like shattered glass and he has to turn away from the mirror because she had dark eyes too (and he couldn't save her). His eyes can't cry either. He thinks this is because he has ran out of tears to shed throughout the years.

His life is mix of the Before and the After. Everything was Before her death or After her death. He is two different people. One of them, the Before's eyes twinkled with childish wonder and glee, the Before's face wasn't older than his years. He sometimes hated the Before for leaving him alone with only the After, but he knows he's to blame for that (he's always to blame). 

He sometimes see the Before in dreams,  dreams where he's still that innocent, dreams where he isn't haunted by images of their bodies and blood (so much blood) growing from their wounds like red flowers and bruises spreading like ink over their skin.

He lets his dark hair grow enough to hang over his face, to hide cheekbones and a nose that weren't always this sharp. But the the years have done that, made his skin sallow, made his mind split (Before and After), made him hate himself.

Yes, he was tired. But sleep couldn't cure him.

 


	2. No Distractions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nico di Angelo feels worthless. He wishes he was like the blue eyed boy that is so happy all the goddamn time.
> 
> Will Solace has anxiety. He wishes he didn't have to pretend to be okay for everyone else all the goddamn time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god! Ok so I finally got Will's chapter out, and I'm actually kinda really proud of it! It's kind of heavy so if that sort of thing triggers you please, please don't read it. I hope you enjoy it.

He is so tired. A tired that is everything to do with fake smiles and sleepless nights that are made up of worry. There is a constant hand around his throat that suffocates him.

It squeezes the breath and sanity out of him leaving him alone with crawling skin and fear (why is he so _scared_?). The hand leaves him with crescent half-moons and harsh red lines across his throat. Though sometimes he's not sure if it's the hand or him. _Him_ clawing at his throat, trying to release the air being constricted.

His legs shake and his hands shake and his head _shakes_ as he presses his sweaty palms to his ears. A sad, useless attempt to block out the voices that scream at him (you are disposable). They are always there though, always constant. The are the source of the ridiculous thoughts that terrify him at 3AM (what if everyone’s dead), the snarky comments that halt his smile and the small things he dwells on more than he should when he let's the facade he's perfected slip away. Let's his eyes go dead and his body fall (falling forever).

In front of people, his friends (they hate you), his mother (you're a burden), his father (since when has he ever cared about you) he can fake it. He can let their voices and the way their eyes crinkle when they laugh be a distraction. He can hide his anxiety behind well placed jokes and dancing eyes. It simmers under the surface, but he can keep it at bay.

But when he's alone. With only echoing in his head. There are no distractions. Everything he's insecure about, every offhand comment someone has ever made or the way someone looked at him oddly (they hate you) comes bubbling up to the surface and he is being smothered by it. _Drowned_ by it. And no matter how hard he tries to swim back to the top; which is rapidly disappearing out of sight, every short breath lets more water in until his lungs are full and all he can do is let himself drown.

He is scared. Scared that someone will see through his mask. Scared that someone will find out what he’s hiding.

The voices tell him that there isn't anything wrong with him. He's just weak. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You're probably just doing it for attention anyway. There's no reason for you to feel this way. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter that he's leaning over the toilet, gripping so hard his knuckles are white, retching up nothing but air and _panic_ and shame. There's nothing wrong. You're weak. It's not real.

He is a million worlds away (you're not real)

When it is done, when the panic has subsided, when the tide has gone back in. He is drained. He let's the emptiness envelop him. All he can feel is exhaustion. It blankets his bones and his mind. He feels _sick_. He closes his eyes (happy blue eyes). Now red and puffy and hollow. Hollow like me, he thinks, empty like me.

It's almost ironic really, he always wanted to be a doctor. But he can't fix himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The reason it took me so long to write this is that it hits really close to home. I suffer with anxiety and it's been really bad recently so I didn't want to stress myself out even more. Then it kept getting deleted as I was editing which was so frustrating! But it's here now and thanks for reading! (Also if anyone could give me some tips on how to get rid of the note below this, that would be helpful. I'm not really familiar with ao3 yet.)

**Author's Note:**

> So I apologise if the tense was a bit weird, this was my first time writing in the present tense as I usually prefer past. But I feel like it's more effective in fics like these. That's the end. Again I'll post Will's chapter soon but I'm going away for a week which is exciting! But I hope you liked it. Thanks for reading!


End file.
